Parents who struggle with troubled teens
experience one of three things … disturbed, distraught, or indifferent. Which experience is predicated upon our knowing that we only have so much responsibility for the problems, and therefore only so much responsibility for the solution. Parents struggling with a troubled teen often see themselves as being the main reason behind the child’s dysfunction. But is this notion true and accurate? Are they really the main reason, 100% responsible? Meaning, are the parents solely responsible? Without understanding the answer to this question there is no reason to move forward in finding the solution. Why? Because there will be no solution, without understanding their will be more and more trauma and discord.
Now, I am not saying it’s the parent’s fault but parents
are contributors to the present situation, as well as the future outcome, good or bad. Rarely is there a situation where “blame” or “fault” is the answer to the family’s problem; in reality “blaming and fault finding” is a huge deep black hole of which there is no escape…. But taking responsibility for your (parent’s) contribution is very important to any solution if there is going to be one. Solutions require healthy contributions by all parties, parents and children. Therefore we don’t have control over the outcomes, we only have control over our contribution.
Most importantly we must know that there are “outside factors” (beyond parents and children) that have a greater impact and contribution on the family, good or bad. There are “outside factors” that are far more profound than anyone person can contribute on their own. These “outside factors” are two numerous to list in this essay but we can mention a few powerful factors that need most of our attentions. One, the culture of the city, county, or State we live in, with the neighborhood we reside in being the most impactful (good or bad). Secondly, the interactions we have as a family with friends and relatives, and this does include the church and social groups we belong to. Finally, the hobbies the family participates in also has a great deal to so with the impact upon the family.
Lastly, and most important factor related to the overall health and stabilization of a family is our level of “Rescue Quotient”, or “RQ”. “RQ” is sort of like our “IQ”, and is somewhat related to our “EQ” (EQ being our Emotional Maturity level). With RQ we evaluate the level of rescuing the parents perform in relationship to the choices of their troubled teenage child. If the parents exercise optimism the RQ goes sky high, and contrarily if the parents engage with fear and doubt the family’s RQ drops like a rock. Blame, rationalization, “circumstances”, and fear of the boogie man will have the greatest impact on a child’s EQ (Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Reasoning – which equates to emotional maturity).
Another major factor of RQ has to do with trust or faith, or the lack thereof; which has to do with the parents faith in the concepts of “accountability and responsibility”. These two factors are huge. Parents send a message to their struggling teenagers
with every decision that is made by the parent in relation to the child’s IQ, EQ, and RQ. Every decision sends a message. Every decision, over time, mounts a pile of evidence (truth) where by the student builds their foundational beliefs. Over time this foundational belief creates a hardened wall, both good and bad, that is difficult to overcome, or tear down. By the time the child is 18 and on their own this wall is deep, wide, and reinforced by concrete and rebar. It becomes a fortress, and that can be good, or bad, depending upon how the wall was constructed and what materials were used.
Look at our current President of the United States…. Is he a believable person, con artist, man of true and valor, or does he manipulate to hide his real intentions? Is he a man of his word, or a man who uses words to create an illusion? What is the outcome of the way in which our current President presents his vision, and his plan, and his agenda for the country? Does he create division, or unity? Does he promote individual responsibility, or does he create the notion of entitlement? Does he bring people together, or does he manipulate and leverages the divide already established to trick people into making decisions based on ideology? How much impact does this President have on the development of the culture of our nation, of our youth? Therefore, we must understand that we are fighting more than we can understand…
We can’t isolate our children (form of protection) from the boogie man. That does not work and often backfires, causing more harm than good. What is the answer? Well Zion Educational Systems Tthe answer is simple…. We practice known values and adhere to known truths. First, no one is perfect and everyone is going screw things up if giving enough time. Two, every problem is an opportunity for growth and restructure. Three, count on things getting messed up, and count on people failing miserably. Some of our greatest triumphs in life come from our failures. Four, exercise optimism and grace, and be merciful. Everyone fails, and everyone deserves to be supported and not judged. Lastly, we look at the notion of the Spirit of Performance and the detrimental aspects that our “value as people” are all to often based on our performance, which therefore guarantees our downfall, and our demise.
So… I say all that to say this…. Where does “rescuing” come into play and what kind of impact does rescuing have on the growth of a young person? Today we explore these notions.